Thursday, January 1, 2009

I'm apologizing in advance for the random thoughts. I have a lot going through my head right now and just wanted to get it all down.
I can't even come up with a title to this post.

I think, for me, the reality may have finally sunk in that Emilie is gone. I keep checking her blog thinking maybe it will be updated. Checking my email thinking I may have a new email from her. I keep waiting for something sweet and witty to pop up on the page when I link over to hers. Every time I have gotten a comment on a post I have recently written I think it may be from her. I can't delete the link to her blog, I can't even delete the last email she sent me. I have left the paper with her obituary and last Sunday's paper which had the article that was written about her both sitting on the dining room table. Yep, I can't get rid of those either. What am I doing to myself? I know it's only been a week but still..

As long as I keep myself busy and don't let my mind wander, I am fine. Once I have a break, I go there. I think about her. I see her face in my head. I don't see her cancer face, though. I see her how I remember her - with all of her hair. A big smile on her face. That smile in her eyes. Her lipstick. Such a beautiful face is hard to forget. I am happy I am able to keep a good image of her as my memory rather than a less favorable one.

Tonight Graycen grabbed my face, cupped it in her tiny hands and said, "Mommy, I wubv you." and she kissed me. At the time, I smiled, kissed her back, told her I loved her too and thought it was adorable. Now that I have had time to think about it, it makes me so sad to think Daniel can never kiss his mommy or tell her he loves her again. And sweet, little Ben will never even had the chance to do it in the first place. Chances are Daniel may remember his mommy. Ben won't.

I just can't imagine having to try and explain to a sweet 2 year old boy that his mommy isn't coming back. I can't imagine having to be the parent of my two children all by myself when all I want to do is dig a hole and crawl into it. I can't imagine having to go on without my best friend, knowing there will NEVER be anyone that can compare to them. I can't imagine how the special feeling of Christmas can ever be the same again - to Emilie's family, carols will never sound the same, the lights on the tree won't shine as bright, the snow won't glisten as much, the stockings will never be as hung with such glee and there just won't be that added piece of happy emotion that comes along with Christmas.

My heart is in pieces for the entire family, but really, mostly her husband Steve. It must have been so hard on him to have to watch her in pain, so weak and dying. They were only married for 5 years. They got married 6 days before David and I did. To say it is unfair to have your partner ripped away from you after such a short period of time is a huge understatement. To have the mother of your children, the beings you chose to bring into this world to mold, develop and shape into the best you can possibly make them with the person you love so dearly, taken away from them before they can even experience the beauty that is their mom, is unfair. I know life isn't fair but this is straight up shitty.

Emilie didn't deserve to die. I never met a woman that was so kind, that had so many people that admired her, that was so honest before her. She was something else, really. I think I don't even have the words for it..

Em, you will be and already are greatly missed by myself and many others. You showed such grace and composure while fighting your cancer - it's admirable. Your writing has touched many as well as your story. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to know you. Thank you for allowing me to call you my friend and me yours. Thank you for showing me I need to live in the moment - always. Thank you for your words, which will stay with me always. I love you.

**My friend Missy is compiling a list of posts and articles written about Emilie. If you would like to read so many of the ways she has touched people's lives, click here. Missy, thank you for compiling this. To other people writing about Emilie, thank you. I am sure she is smiling at all of the attention she is getting and definitely feeling beloved.


Rebecca said...

Kristine, I am so sorry. I feel the same way. I try to remind myself that Daniel and Ben now have an angel who looks out specifically for them.

Carren J. said...

It is Ok to feel that way. And in some cases.. depending on the importance or the impact that preson had on your life.. things will always be like that. The crying might not be there after awhile, but the lose will always be felt and things that you cling to will never be thrown away. I still have the letter that was in my mailbox the day I got the call that my mom died. I opened it.. but to this day I have never read it.... some might think that is silly... but it is the last time she every wrote to me.. and I have a tough time getting myself to read it after all these years....... so trust me.. .I understand... and I love you sweetheart.

Jill said...

Kristine: I don't know if we ever met in person...I was also part of the knot and MN ladies and have quietly lurked on most of your blogs (sorry for not saying hi before now!) Anyway - your words about Emilie are both beautiful and heartbreaking. It is so sad that Steve and the boys have lost such a wonderful wife and mother. My heart goes out to them. Take peace in knowing we have all been touched by her wonderful graceful life. And I think we all will hold our babies a bit tighter and be a bit more thankful for the lives we have been given.
Take care and know you were a good friend to her. Looking forward to hopefully meeting you in person one of these days.

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