Depends on how you want to look at it. I would rather look at it as being 31 weeks along rather than only having 9 weeks left - I don't feel like it's as soon that way.
These past few days as I have been nearing another ending/beginning of a new week I have been have been having many mixed emotions. Some of them I'll share, some I just can't describe and some I just want to hold close to myself.
I am thrilled that Parker will soon be here -
- but I am terrified of what it will be like to bring a newborn home to a toddler.
I am excited and looking forward to the special bonding time in the hospital -
- but I am sad that it just won't be the same as it was with Graycen.
I get happy and smile seeing siblings and thinking about Graycen loving her little brother -
- but I worry Graycen will feel put out or worst of all - replaced. I hate that word "replaced"
I look forward to a vaginal delivery -
- but am always afraid of the chance of having a c-section or even more scary to me - an emergency c-section.
I have been feeling my little monkey butt move around so much! He is so active, more than Graycen was. He arches his little back and when he does that, he pushes his tiny butt into my ribs and it hurts! I have been having contractions for about the last 2 weeks or so. The Braxton Hicks ones ('the practice ones') They remind me of what is to come.... My belly is rapidly growing and I feel like it is so much rounder than it was with Graycen. I really wish I had taken pics of my belly with Graycen, but can't do it with Parker because that just wouldn't be fair. Yes, I am like that... I don't want one of them to feel like someone else got more attention and blah blah blah. I even bought the same baby book for Parker that I bought for Graycen because I just couldn't find one that I thought was as cute or good enough. So, they will have the same baby book - just different moments and memories filling it. We've been getting ready, too. The other day I was organizing their room and making it kid friendly as well as parent friendly. My sister, Kayla, helped me move some stuff, sort baby clothes into the correct bins for future ues and even moved the dresser into the closet for me. I folded and sorted all of Parker's little clothes into the dresser. We have been buying diapers and random things. There is still a mini list of things I need to buy and it's turning out to be more than I thought we needed. YIKES!
Last night I was reading a post that my friend, Jessica, wrote on her blog about a sweet moment and loving her son. It made me cry. I keep thinking about how much I love Graycen and I keep getting scared that I won't be able to love Parker nearly as much as I love her. With Graycen, I feel the love with her, the one so strong it hurts to think about sometimes. I can't imagine my life without her and I refuse to. I just can't help but to feel worried about how I will develop this same love for Parker. Can they be equal? I know it will be different but will it be the same? So many questions. I am sure every parent feels this way with subsequent children. I know it's normal but for some reason, it just doesn't feel like it can be.
Oh time is going by way too fast. I don't know what to do first....