Saturday, April 19, 2008

31 or 9

Depends on how you want to look at it. I would rather look at it as being 31 weeks along rather than only having 9 weeks left - I don't feel like it's as soon that way.
These past few days as I have been nearing another ending/beginning of a new week I have been have been having many mixed emotions. Some of them I'll share, some I just can't describe and some I just want to hold close to myself.
I am thrilled that Parker will soon be here -
- but I am terrified of what it will be like to bring a newborn home to a toddler.
I am excited and looking forward to the special bonding time in the hospital -
- but I am sad that it just won't be the same as it was with Graycen.
I get happy and smile seeing siblings and thinking about Graycen loving her little brother -
- but I worry Graycen will feel put out or worst of all - replaced. I hate that word "replaced"
I look forward to a vaginal delivery -
- but am always afraid of the chance of having a c-section or even more scary to me - an emergency c-section.

I have been feeling my little monkey butt move around so much! He is so active, more than Graycen was. He arches his little back and when he does that, he pushes his tiny butt into my ribs and it hurts! I have been having contractions for about the last 2 weeks or so. The Braxton Hicks ones ('the practice ones') They remind me of what is to come.... My belly is rapidly growing and I feel like it is so much rounder than it was with Graycen. I really wish I had taken pics of my belly with Graycen, but can't do it with Parker because that just wouldn't be fair. Yes, I am like that... I don't want one of them to feel like someone else got more attention and blah blah blah. I even bought the same baby book for Parker that I bought for Graycen because I just couldn't find one that I thought was as cute or good enough. So, they will have the same baby book - just different moments and memories filling it. We've been getting ready, too. The other day I was organizing their room and making it kid friendly as well as parent friendly. My sister, Kayla, helped me move some stuff, sort baby clothes into the correct bins for future ues and even moved the dresser into the closet for me. I folded and sorted all of Parker's little clothes into the dresser. We have been buying diapers and random things. There is still a mini list of things I need to buy and it's turning out to be more than I thought we needed. YIKES!

Last night I was reading a post that my friend, Jessica, wrote on her blog about a sweet moment and loving her son. It made me cry. I keep thinking about how much I love Graycen and I keep getting scared that I won't be able to love Parker nearly as much as I love her. With Graycen, I feel the love with her, the one so strong it hurts to think about sometimes. I can't imagine my life without her and I refuse to. I just can't help but to feel worried about how I will develop this same love for Parker. Can they be equal? I know it will be different but will it be the same? So many questions. I am sure every parent feels this way with subsequent children. I know it's normal but for some reason, it just doesn't feel like it can be.

Oh time is going by way too fast. I don't know what to do first....


MIP said...

I think you have described perfectly some of my biggest fears about baby number two. Enjoy these last few weeks!

pianomomsicle said...

i agree with mip!
i'm freaked about baby #2, even though mine is much farther off than yours.
Make sure to update on what it's like to have a baby and a toddler, because i'm anxious to know what to expect.

Monkeymama said...

Mine have the same baby books too! I spent so much time searching for one that I liked with Rebecca and I am very happy with hers. I didn't have the energy or desire to search for one I liked as much as hers, so I just got a 2nd copy. I did wonder if that would be weird. But, I like that I have a good idea of what sort of photos and things to put into it. I'll remember to write in the milestones because I've read them all before. :)

While I was preg. with Joe I was so worried about how it would change my relationship with Rebecca. I wouldn't say I resented him, but I was sad at times, and that made me worry about how I'd feel about him after he was born. It's incredible the love I feel for both. He fits right in now and while I miss certain things about life before him, I see how much Rebecca loves him and realize that it will all work out.

Steph said...

Yeah, pretty sure when I get pregnant with number 2, I'll be banging on your door for advice quite often! Well, maybe not "banging," but you get the idea ;)

Marketing Mama said...

The good news is that it all works out in the end and *everything will be okay*. :)

I had all the same fears. Even when I brought Avery home, there were times I didn't feel like I bonded with her as quickly or as strongly as I did with Alex. I think it's because I was still so focused on making sure Alex was okay that emotionally I didn't open myself up to Avery for awhile.

That said, it all turned out fine and I love both my kids so much, and the best part is seeing how much they love each other. :)

Emily said...

Well said. I'm sure Graycen will have some adjusting, but it will be so nice for them to be close in age. I would love to get started on number 2, but life gets in the way and those buggers are expensive! I am sure I will feel the same as you- excited, sad, etc.

Anna had her butt in my ribs the entire time. I would push on her to get her to rotate, but it rarely worked. Sitting was so much more uncomfortable than standing. I loved my exercise ball towards the end.

Anonymous said...

Things will be different. For one reason, boy -vs- girl. But you will bond. Luckily there is a nice age difference so Graycen will not get lost in the new adjustments. She will do fine because you and Dave have created a very well adjusted little girl. The only thing that I can think of is just don't worry so much about Graycen that you lose you time with Parker. When he is sleeping, do things with Graycen. Then he is awake, let Graycen help the best she can. Letting her get involved will allow you to have time with both children at the same time. Bonding will be easy for you because of your strong love for your children. You will see.. as soon as you bring our little "Chubbers" home, it will be wonderful for all 4 of you. Dave being the wonderful person that he is as well, will make it easy as well. You are much wiser, smarter, gentle, sweet, and wonderful Mother, than you think. Look at what you have done for this old lady...Love MA

LutherLiz said...

It sounds like these feelings are pretty normal for a second child. I would think of it this way. If there was anything about your connection to Gracyen that surprised you when she was born then it probably will for Parker too. I have heard that the moment you "meet" your new baby is indescribable and I don't think that will be diminished by the #. Nor will your love for Gracyen diminish.